Cree@large: Catching up with Santa
His face and image is known throughout the world. Probably even better known than Miley Cyrus’s twerky mug. He is more beloved than Nelson Mandela and Elvis Presley combined. Yes, he has a slight weight problem but that hasn’t appeared to affect his health in all his many years. His rosy cheeks and nose suggest he might also have a slight problem with the bottle.
He’s a world traveller, an expert sled driver and an expert shot with the leather whip. He also has a supernatural ability to sneak into people’s home undetected, gulp down countless glasses of milk and untold numbers of cookies in a single night. He’s also known by several names – Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and Saint Nicholas, but he’s best known in this part of the world as Santa Claus, or Sandigloss in Cree.
Cree@large caught up with the jolly fellow in red as he cracked his whip, scaring the bejeebus out of his elves slaving away in his North Pole sweatshop toy factory. Unfortunately, Santa refused to have his photo taken. He’s getting grouchy in his old age!
Birthplace: The North Pole
Home: Children’s hearts, The Workshop
Hair: I’m actually bald so this is a wig.
Height: 5’7 – without my boots, I’m five feet.
Weight: 175 lbs
Eyes: Sparkly
Occupation: CEO of Santa’s Shop
Nickname: Kris Kringle, I have so many. Ho, ho, ho. And Sparky.
Person you admire the most: The head elf
Words or phrase you like hearing: Good heavens! A new toy!
Happiest moment: When the first flake of snow hits the ground
Most treasured possession: My studded leather whip. For the reindeer, of course
Dream job: This one
Greatest accomplishment: Getting Mrs. Claus to move to the North Pole
Recurring dream: Rudolph’s navigation software goes haywire from a computer virus
Childhood ambition: Jet fighter
Word most used to describe you: That’s obvious, jolly
Your idea of misery: A blizzard on Christmas Eve
Last book read: The Zen of Sleigh Maintenance
Historical figure you would like to meet: Charles Dickens
Weaknesses: Milk and cookies
Preferred way to spend an evening: Mrs. Claus on my lap
New Year’s Resolution: Check my naughty or nice list THREE times! And to drop a few pounds. I am, after all, a role model.
Most embarrassing moment: Going down the wrong chimney and ending up in a sewer
Person you love the most: Mrs. Claus
Greatest fear: An elf union, affiliated with the Teamsters
Deepest secret: I dye my hair white
First kiss: Yo mama! LOL!
Scariest moment: When Cree hunters tried to harvest Donner and Blitzen
Longest you’ve gone without sleep: Stupid question. 24 hours!
Motto: Always have a Merry Christmas
Best friend: You
Word that describes you best: Fat and jolly
Song you want played at your funeral: For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow!
Best pickup line you’ve used: Wanna play with my toys?
Title of your autobiography: Santa; One Man’s Journeys
Funniest person you know: Will Ferrell
Kindest person you know: God
First car: A late model German sleigh made by Mercedes, baby
Best advice you ever heard: Don’t be naughty
Weirdest dream: Being whipped by reindeer
Most likely to get coal in his stocking this year: Rob Ford
The last time you cried: When I listened to Little Drummer Boy in Cree
Favourite line from a song: Pa ra pa pum pum
Worst name you’ve called anyone: Ho
Porn Name: The Northern Pole
What would be your greatest misfortune? Global warming
Favourite sound: My runners over freshly fallen snow.
Favourite cuisine: Nouveau Borealis. Mrs. Claus’ innovation
Favourite subject in school: Shop.
Favourite movie villain: The Grinch