Moosenado

On one of my rare nights to myself recently – during bingo, of course – I happened to tune into one of the Sharknado movies. After about 10 minutes or so, I realized that this was a trite, yet great film. Everyone was devoured by angry flying sharks and you knew that your favourite actor would end up on the munching block.

Besides being corny, Sharknado gave some meaning to the scenes that are absolutely improbable in real life. Of course, many who watched the show most likely only saw the blood and gore and the endless cameos by just about everyone in show business, who all died too. So what was the point of this stupid movie? Was it about money, fame, fortune, killing and maiming? No, my friends, it was about Mother Earth.

Yes, nature has a message in this movie. It tells us that no one is immune to momma’s many moods, especially when it comes to spanking the kids. We are, as a human species, being spanked by nature in the most ridiculous and horrific way known to mankind, by sharks. Nothing puts more fear into a human’s heart than sharks. It’s something millions of people who don’t live in a tropical or ocean zone can’t comprehend. But there are other deadly, landlocked animals in the world. Take for example, the cougar. The cougar can rip your heart out with the flick of a talon, yet, you can still survive a cougar attack.

Another animal that can put some fear in our psyche is the bear, in fact all kinds of bears, except for the cute, cuddly koala. Panda bears, who are considered gentle vegetarians, can, when fueled with adrenaline, scratch you quite badly. But I haven’t heard of anyone getting killed by the bears as often as the black spider. If anyone is a Di Caprio fan, you can survive an all-out humungous grizzly attack and live a vengeful life until the bitter end. Even the quiet beaver could drown you if you were stupid enough, but who worries about beavers these days?

When it comes to deadly North American animals, enough to rival the shark’s ferocious and endless appetite for flesh, then the mighty moose just might make the top of the killer charts. Yes, the Alces alces species is the deadliest natural force in the boreal forest and on local highways. A moose can annihilate a minivan in the blink of an eye, in the time it takes to change the radio station, or in that extra second you spend looking in the back mirror. In those split moments, you don’t even have time to react. It’s not a funny scene to witness or be part of.

The moose is so deadly that large sections of highways are fenced off to stop the onslaught of herbivore madness. Yes, the moose cannot be controlled as easily as a shark. For example, you could punch a shark in the nose or have a dolphin as a defender to keep them at bay, but not with a moose.

If Canada had a feared national monster, the moose would be the king of land animals. Some have tried to bring the moose population by controlled hunting using big-bore rifles, but little dents the ability of the moose to destroy mankind in return.

If Mother Nature were to make a movie set in the North to protest the killing of animals, it would choose the moose instead of the shark. Imagine a swirling cloud of deadly moose laying waste to all major highways and all the hunters were employed to fight this menace. In true hunting fashion, many of these brave heros would fall victim themselves during what we like to call the Happy Hour Hunter.

Yes, I would attend the premiere of Moosenado, knowing that this is a movie that sublimely favours nature. Ooohh, yeah!