The bear necessities – Sonny Orr’s ghost writers

For many years I have kept my cap on to protect my balding head from the harsh rays of a northern sun. With the ozone layer being depleted we all have to protect ourselves. I have concerns though for the fragile ecosystem of the far North in which I live… mostly. There are the trips down south to experience the fine cuisine and products of the vine, but I digress.

I read about the grizzly-polar bear hybrid shot on the west side of James Bay and hopefully the mixed marriage of animals will be beneficial for our environment. Diversity of bears is a good thing, I feel. I mean, many folks have called me a bear, especially in certain bars in Montreal, but I’m not sure why. I’m not all that ferocious looking.

While I’m on the subject, I can hardly bear the heat. As soon as the snow melts it seems like someone turned on the global toaster oven. Which reminds me, I think my traditional Cree tater tots are browning up nicely.

Ahhh, sweet crunchy goodness. Thinking it was time we contributed to another part of our gastronomic bounty, I’ve come up with a homemade Cree hot sauce. Ketchup and other important tater tot condiments are often tough to come by up here and even when I am able to snag a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot in Val-d’Or it doesn’t quite suit my northern palette and gives me such bad gas.

That reminds me about the last time I had a bad case of the natural gas. I was sitting at the beach looking out at the bay, and pondering our ever-changing environment and wondering whether my personal hydrocarbons would upset the delicate balance of our unsettled universe. Just then, a large flock of geese flew overhead on the way to some faraway destination, and I felt a few drops of wetness. Hmm, it must be raining I thought. But then I quickly realized the fowl were sharing a similar bout of gastric distress.

My beloved and treasured baseball cap has already seen much worse, however. A few nights in the elegant nightspots of downtown Val-d’Or can attest to that. And it was certainly a small sacrifice compared to the greasy goodness this creature provides us. They are valued inhabitants of our land – as is, of course, the lumbering black bear, whether or not he’s been getting friendly with the neighbours. (As one of his polar lovers told the Nation in an exclusive interview a few years ago, “Once you go black, you never go back.”).

Really, we should all celebrate diversity on this planet, whatever form it takes, because it’s the key to our survival. And, my friends and even my enemies, that’s no laughing matter.

However, as my neighbours in the blind told me last week, what also isn’t funny is the effect produced by my Klik-infused Cree tater tots when combined with my Cree hot sauce experiments. They said it was hard to aim when their eyes were watering so much, which I guess gave new meaning to hunting blind.

I will never again do this in a blind, where of course everyone is armed: at that distance, it’s hard to miss.