My throne speech

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It’s that time of the decade again: the election for head honcho of the Crees of Northern Quebec. As I write this, there is little to speak of when it comes to unearthing scandals or uncovering dirt on the candidates. So, I will prepare a platform for their winning election tactics that will get everyone in a tizzy. In fact, whole networks will shut down because of the buzz and fury I intend to incite on paper, not by Facebook or any other instantaneous form of communication. I want to bring back the good old ways of winning elections on a budget.

First of all, there’s the door-to-door campaign, which, in my book, is a very effective way of putting a face to a vote. Some people are downright lonely and need company, even if it’s someone who just wants their X in a box on a ballot. I remember one lonely time during a campaign, a candidate actually asked for my help. Though I never got to go anywhere, it gave me a sense that, “Hey, this big shot needs my help in getting votes.”

Campaigning for me is not an act of compassion, but a way to cash in while the going is good, just in case the guy you help doesn’t make the cut in the first round. Recently, a new executive got in by acclamation, so there wasn’t much to be made from that.

Heck, if only there was a way to get to everyone at the same time without resorting to scandalizing (as Trump would call a deft move) just to get someone’s attention. One way to get everyone’s attention would be, that if I were running, to legalize alcohol and let the province worry about the problems using their fine system (pun intended) to handle the troubled and the drunk. I can hear the uproar now. I’m sure I could shut down a network with that platform. I’d probably be the most loved and hated candidate at the same time, with no real hairdo to make fun of too. Probably the number of voters for me would double for that one.

Another great platform I would promote is allowing hunting on Sundays and making Wednesdays the optional day off for hunting because it’s the middle of the week and Wednesdays are always boring. In fact, I would okay the hunting of everything just as long as it’s practiced using the age-old ways. This should attract the harvesters and hunters or anyone with a gun.

Another promise I would make but probably never be able to keep would be to have a house for everyone and be rid of the issues of homelessness or not being able to afford a home. Electricity would be free of course, made by our own power sources and bulletproof material would be custom-made for our cabins out on the land. Also, our homes would have a room just for learning, so we wouldn’t have to leave home just to get a credit for a course we couldn’t finish because we were so far away from home.

And on top of that, I’d make sure that no baby would go hungry or face the ravages of a broken home by offering shelters for children. This sounds drastic but there are shelters for women, men, the homeless, so why not one for the kids? I don’t think too many people would like that so my support would drop immediately. But you never know, this might appeal to the compassionate.

So there you have it, my platform in a nutshell. Of course, none of this will come true, simply because I’m not running for anything. But hey, if a guy could lie and win, well… naaww.

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